How NOT to Write HoND Fanfiction
by Bardess of Avon
Summary: Based on "How NOT to write Titanic fanfiction" by Fomalhaut. Instructions on how to write a very typical HoND Marie Sue are inside.


A/N: This was inspired by _How NOT to write _Titanic _fanfiction_ by **Fomalhaut**, which is by far one of the funniest fics I have ever read. If you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend you do!

Why am I writing this? Well, the wonderfully magnificent **Opal** and I were talking one day and she said, "Wouldn't it be a great idea if someone wrote _How NOT to Write _Hunchback of Notre Dame _Fanfiction_?!" And I said it would, and one thing led to another, and after asking Fomalhaut's permission, I wrote this little fic. I would like to add that I am not parodying any one fic in particular; this parody is, like my others, based on a vast number of fics I have read.

Reviews would be lovely! Flames can only prove that you are a Suethor. Think about it.

Disclaimer: HoND belongs it Victor Hugo and Disney; the How NOT to idea belongs to Fomalhaut.

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After watching _Hunchback_ for what has to be the thirtieth time at least, it occurs to you that it would be marvelous to insert a character either "loosely" based off of yourself (meaning your clone, with some of the flaws removed) or the girl you have always aspired to be but never could be. This girl is usually between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one, but of course she acts very mature. Remember to give her an outlandish name, despite her origin. My personal favorite example is Marie-Sue Arena Christine Kaylyn Rose, whom is fondly referred to by all as Amy, because you are, of course, much too lazy to type up a real French name that could possibly be longer than three letters.

Amy should be, of course, beautiful in every sense of the word. Remember to use the completely rote phrase of "she had curves in all the right places," because that is the perfect way to describe her skinny waist and ample hips and lust-inducing breasts and whatnot. Her hair is usually beautifully blonde or fiery red or silky ebony; be sure to describe its beauty. Her eyes usually change colors, too, or are at least violet. Also be sure to devote long paragraphs (at least one) to her wardrobe at some point, and the accompanying hairdo; the readers are dying to know this information.

Give Amy the most horrid past possible. Her father or father-figure must have either an alcoholic problem, extreme lasciviousness or a penchant for hitting; a mix of all three is preferable. Her mother is either boring and doesn't care about Amy, a socialite who doesn't love her daughter, or dead. Absolutely no love from her parents whatsoever. She probably doesn't have any siblings, either. Amy must face some tragedy in her young years; usually, her father or father-figure rapes her and beats her and no one does anything about it, and despite this, Amy remains beautiful inside and out. She should also feel miserable about her life and be much smarter than her male peers, who attend school and are tutored in the liberal arts while she has been poring over books in her family's library. Because Amy, as you know, is a French noblewoman.

Begin your story with something tragic that happened to Amy, such as being raped for the thousandth time, despite the fact that she is raped every night (there is no mention of her monthly problems or getting sick or her father possibly becoming tired after awhile). Punching her is also permissible, given that lots of sobbing and rebellious thoughts ensue. Amy must then decide to run away. She probably doesn't take anything with her, and she will not get caught by the servants, because they are mysteriously all avoiding the back door that she steals away in. Don't have Amy flee on her horse; she must run on foot.

Have Amy magically and conveniently end up at the tombstone and have her somehow know to throw back the lid, thus introducing her to the stairs leading down into the sewer. Despite the fact that it's a sewer, Amy knows by instinct to climb down and slosh forward in the waste, which doesn't bother her half as much as it would any sane person. It doesn't matter if you give her a torch or not, because she will end up losing it anyway. There must be a repeat scene of the movie, where the sentries, dressed in skeletal costumes, leap out and douse her torch and grab her in their clutches while Clopin asks, "What do we have here?"

As this is Clopin's introduction, it must be made the most of. Make sure that Amy is besotted with him instantly, and he must be equally enchanted by her, if not more so. Puppet should also make an appearance, and Clopin should converse with him about what they should do with Amy. In the end they will, of course, decide that she should be allowed to stay in the Court of Miracles, because remember, although she is fair of skin, her mother was a gypsy who married one of Frollo's soldiers. She is usually considered a gypsy traitor, but you abandon common sense and manipulate the situation so that Amy may be in closer proximity to Clopin.

It doesn't really matter how much time passes in the Court of Miracles, because either way, you are going to make Clopin and Amy end up falling for each other. You will write of his obvious and rather pathetic attempts to flirt with Amy while she is, of course, shocked that he could like her. You decide to have Amy and Clopin romantically kiss and jump into bed with each other that very night, because remember, this is _your_ fantasy. You will also make Amy very good friends with Esmeralda, because Esmeralda is the heroine of the original movie and so of course she has to be best friends with your Mary-Sue.

Now comes the most fun part of all, because you get to completely destroy the movie. You decide that since Amy has some mad dancing skillz, she needs to dance in the Festival of Fools. But because of later plot devices, you also want her to be the main focus of the thing, and so you give Esmeralda an excuse of some kind to not dance and have Amy take her place. Be sure to describe Amy's outfit and dance in great detail; we're all dying to know. You may even decide to have Amy cut Quasi loose instead of Esmeralda, because you need to show everyone just how compassionate Amy is.

Then you decide to create some major angst by introducing Frollo into the picture. You add in now (because you just didn't have time earlier) to explain that Amy was betrothed to Frollo as a young child, but she forgot. Frollo, however, is able to recognize a now gypsy Amy, and because she's just so incredibly beautiful and amazing, he doesn't mind the fact that she's a gypsy. No, Frollo falls madly and passionately in love with Amy, even more so than he was with Esmeralda. You have your fiery, stubborn Amy meekly follow Frollo home and submit to his every whim; don't worry, it's all part of the story.

The story will now be filled with angst because Amy isn't sure who to choose: Clopin or Frollo! Never mind the fact that the two men are complete opposites and therefore unlikely to attract the same girl! It also helps to have Clopin show up and beg Amy to return with him while Frollo asks her to marry him on the same day, because you need to convey to your readers just how loved Amy is and just how painful her life is. Amy will sometime in the course of her angsting sing a rather modern, whiny song that perfectly sums up her feelings. Frollo will also continue to persecute gypsies, just like in the movie, but of course Amy is saved from this because of true wuv.

There are several paths to take now:

Path the First: Amy finally chooses Frollo and they get married and she frequently visits her friends at the Court of Miracles, because life is always that happy.

Path the Second: The story continues just like the movie, except that Frollo loves Amy and not Esmeralda. Amy manages to free her friends, barely mourns Frollo's death (if he dies; it's also all right if he runs away), jumps back into Clopin's arms and marries him and becomes the Queen of Gypsies.

Path the Third: Don't bother finishing the story at all, because there are just so many options to go with and you simply can't decide. This is the most popular option by far.

Ah, the joys of fanfiction.


End file.
